Reflecting on Perfectionism

Dear church family,

Recently, I found myself reflecting on perfectionism—ok, ok, it was not just recently, it’s more like all the time. I struggle with perfectionism, and have my whole life. Maybe it’s the eldest-daughter thing, or the academic-achievement thing, or the people-pleasing thing… this drive to be perfect, to do and say everything right, to be beyond reproach, could come from lots of places. But no matter where it comes from (family, friends, society, church expectations, inside my own anxious brain), I realize that it is important to acknowledge it…and to expose perfectionism for the lies it tells.

I wonder if some of you reading this relate to me, if you struggle with perfectionism too. Or if you’re thinking, “wow, interesting, I don’t really have that pressure.” Or if you’re wondering, hey Pastor Anita, what does this have to do with church? Well, we can talk about all of those things—maybe not in this article but I’m glad to chat, so reach out and come find me!

What does perfectionism have to do with church? Well, I think there’s a special kind of perfectionism that creeps inside well-meaning, left-leaning, majority-white churches. It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s in the culture! Most importantly, I think perfectionism is dangerous because it keeps us from authenticity, and authenticity is a key ingredient to making church. Perfectionism keeps us from authenticity when we try to stave off vulnerability by instead being obsessed with appearing to be so good, so smart, so generous, so worldly, etc. Perfectionism lies to us and tells us that we are only worth as much as we are morally righteous, or we are only deserving of love if we are the most self-sacrificing, or that we can only be accepted in a community if we appear to have no flaws. Perfectionism thrives when we are scared of failure, or even just of messing up a little, like stepping on someone’s toe or expressing an idea without tact or introducing yourself to someone you forgot you already met.

So how do we combat perfectionism? I’m surely not suggesting that we go around letting bad behavior run rampant and letting folks escape accountability. There’s got to be a middle way between “being perfect” and “being a horrible human being.” Yes, of course there is! And the middle way is where all of us are, all the time. We are human—we are loving and kind and beautiful, and we also make mistakes, speak before we think, forget our manners, harm others’ feelings. The opportunity comes when we realize that we’ve messed up, or hurt someone we care about: how do we respond? Do we spiral into shame? Or do we accept the truth with humility—that we have not lived up to our standards, or how we see ourselves, and that we want to do better. Then, we can commit to doing better.

The shame spiral and I are well known to each other. But little by little, I am trying to break away from perfectionism—so I can be a healthier and more whole person, and a better minister. And I hope that if you are caught in the mire of perfectionism, know that you’re not alone. We all exist in the middle ground, none of us are perfect, and we can accept our humanity with humility. And together, we can encourage each other, help each other grow, hold each other accountable, and lift each other up when the spiral pulls us down. That’s what church is—living authentically together, choosing to love each other and care for each other and “the least of these” (as was said in Jesus’ day). I am glad we get to be church together—beautiful and messy and playful and thoughtful and full of wonder.

I love you, and I love being your pastor.

Rev. Anita